Growing Up Is Painful
“To worry is the only thing that parents live for.”
People do not change until they realise that the pain of staying the same is much greater than the pain of change.
Change requires growing up, and growing up is painful. It hurts because it forces us to shed habits that are part of us and made us. It is painful because it is difficult to accept the knowledge that the people, our relationships with them, and things around us have changed, and accordingly, we also need to change. Even as we change, we may not know or accept it. Hence, when we realise it, it hurts.
Contrary to popular belief, growing up isn't about age; it's about the awareness we need to change the old ways of thinking and doing things. A person goes through various phases of change during her life, sometimes painfully aware of the need to change, sometimes without awareness, hence less painfully.
When a child grows older and steps out of her home, a cocoon for her, she realises that the time has come to fend for herself. She realises she is alone and her parents may not always be there to solve her problems. It is time for her to forge new relationships and explore new avenues. This process of realisation is painful, emotionally. But when she confronts that pain, she grows up.
In the same way, when parents realise that their little ones are no longer so little and have developed strong wings, and dreams to soar high in the sky without their help, it is time to grow up and let go. Again, it is a painful process for the parents.
I am now going through a similar period of change and becoming painfully aware that the time has come for me to grow up and face reality. I need to grow up to the fact that things around me have changed, though I am part of that process of change. As the realisation dawned on me, I became painfully aware that letting go of old ways of thinking and doing things is the only way forward. Hence, it is time for me to recalibrate myself, my thoughts, and my understanding of my relationships with my loved ones around me, especially my grown-up daughters.
We humans are possessive. We tend to be very protective of our relationships with the people around us, particularly our children. That protectiveness sometimes becomes possessiveness as we tend to cling to the old belief that our children still need our help. They don’t. We often don't realise that being overprotective can hinder our children’s growth and well-being. It is painfully difficult for parents to let go. But let go, we must.
Our job is not to make our children’s lives easier. It is to support them, as and when they need it, if at all, or else stay out of their way, so that they can achieve their dreams. As parents, we should learn to step away, as gracefully as possible, so that our children can fly as high as they choose without the drag of emotional dependence.
Letting go as parents is not easy. It can be very traumatic and painful. It suddenly dawns on us that our children are no longer what we thought they were. They have grown into the men and women they aspire to be. They have different likes and dislikes and develop their own opinions and priorities. These developments may not align with our thoughts and priorities. Hence, it is necessary to let go, however painful.
We must understand that, ultimately, it is their lives that they are living, and they have the right to choose their path. Their lives may not follow the trajectory we find acceptable. And that is all right.
This process of change is scary for the parents. It is like watching an exciting sport from the ringside, with nail-biting moments of ups and downs. When we think everything is going well for them, things suddenly go worse. On the contrary, when we think things will fall apart, they do not. We experienced the same as we lived our lives. But then, we were with the ball, on the ground, involved, immersed. We were in the driving seat of our lives, whatever that means.
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However, at this point, we are merely spectators, unable and not permitted to get involved. All we can do is cheer from the sidelines or feel sad and anxious in the gallery, hoping for the best. For in their victory is our victory. But that victory is as defined by them, not by us.
As someone said, “To worry is the only thing that parents live for.”
As a father, I wish my daughters that their dreams may come true, my opinions notwithstanding. My feelings can best be expressed through the song of the Liverpool Football team.
"When you walk through a storm Hold your head up high And don’t be afraid of the dark At the end of the storm is a golden sky And sweet silver song of a lark Walk on through the wind Walk on through the rain Though your dreams may be tossed and blown Walk on, walk on, With hope in your heart And you will never walk alone You will never walk alone."
And we are there for you, cheering from the sidelines.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. – Chilli Davis